Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Best Laid Plans

The golden egg was passed. I made the announcement. Pregnant. Due date: April 11th. A prior C-section means a scheduled C-section a week ahead of time. Actual date: somewhere around the first of April. I hope my mom has her spring break then.

Chris and I were weeks away from having an approved home study when I found out I was pregnant. Our profile was done, waiting for the signature of the supervisor of our case worker. We were going to adopt and our list of restrictions was small. I thought we would be matched and have a baby before MOPS started this year.

We don't have successful pregnancies. In fact we have only a 25% success rate. So I waited in fear for seventeen weeks to officially become inactive in the adoption process. Today, I wrote the email. I attached the letter. And with the fear I thought I had overcome, I sent the message. My heart convinced that upon clicking the "send" button the baby growing in my womb would be no more. I want to run to the doctor, hear the heartbeat, be reassured, but with no symptoms other than fear and that darn send button, I will not give in.

And tiny nudges from a body yet unseen growing strong and drawing close call me to the assurance of faith. That a God who sends me in a different direction will prove Himself faithful, gracious, and kind.

1 comment:

Donna said...

You know that we are all excited for you and Chris during this special time. With all that excitement, we are praying very hard! We love you!!!