Failed

I make plans for myself and my family. Sometimes those plans are verbalized. Often they are unwritten subtleties, unconscious expectations.

These are my enemies-these silent objectives.

They taunt me when unmet. They use names like unworthy and inadequate. On occasion they whip out the really powerful adjectives to titles I already claim: bad mother, loser wife.

Unspoken goals have powerful voices.

All too often I agree. I add my own label: failure. I claim that name for myself, worrying that my husband is disappointed and angry and that my children are being scarred beyond recognition. I carry that weight with me day in and day out till I can no longer stand under the burden.

I cry.

I seek out my husband asking if I am the failure I believe I am. I don't believe his answer.
I ask if he is disappointed in me, angry with my performance. I don't believe his answer.
I question my mothering listing all the times I could have done things differently. I don't believe his answer.

I pray that this burden be lifted, that I be forgiven for being less that everything, that I be made a wife and a mother worthy of these dear ones in my family. And I read:

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves,
but our adequacy comes from God.
2 Corinthians 3:5

And He speaks.

And I rest assured that in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of my weaknesses, in spite of my inadequacy, He will care for my family. For He loves them more than I ever could. He created them just as He created me. He knows that we together are but dust. In His love for all of us--husband, wife, children--He will make me adequate for this call to motherhood.

Fankful Fridays

A fenced yard for the dog
A little girl who can dress herself
The outfits said little girl dresses herself in
Sleeping little man

Laundry folded and in baskets
A made bed
Cereal instead of oatmeal
Leftover lasagna for dinner

Bottle sterilizers
Movies that don't scare little girls
No plans to go anywhere today
Rain preventing me from feeling guilty for not planting anything

Today's devotion:
Cease striving
Know that I am God;
I will be exalted in the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.

Living peacefully with the to-do list.

What are you thankful for today?

Doctor's Visits

Tuesday I went for a doctor's appointment. I've hit the weekly stage. There is plenty of time to think waiting at the ob/gyns. Thought I'd share (possible TMI).

Basic Observations

1. Peeing in a plastic cup the size of a shot glass becomes increasingly difficult as your belly grows increasingly larger. I would like a cup with handles.
2. Jerry Springer though conversation inspiring is not what the majority of women waiting want to see.
3. Drug reps who walk right in after I've been waiting half an hour beyond the time of my appointment frustrate me.
4. The group B strep test is birth control.
5. So is the hour and a half waiting at the office when the appointment takes all of two minutes and involves a tape measure and doppler machine.
6. I've been with a clinic before where I had my choice of four doctors and to physician assistants. They are no more on-time than a one doctor, one physician office where I know who will deliver my baby.

For the Doctor

1. Making a me wait with no pants on for 30 minutes guarantees you a frustrated woman.
2. Asking me about a lost pregnancy every visit because you haven't read the problems drives me crazy.
3. I truly like my doctor. I truly dislike being pregnant (though I am thrilled with the outcome and our ability to have a baby.) It is a love hate relationship I have with you.

For Women

1. The man you choose to bring will embarrass you. Not because he means to, but because he doesn't want to be in the ob/gyn's office and he gets bored with daytime talk. Even I want to throw bits of rotten food at Rachel Ray and the Ladies of the View. (Guess what time my appointments usually are.)
   
2. Your children could fall off the spinning doctor's stool if you let them play on it because every other method of distraction has failed.
3. The beautiful women in the pregnancy magazines are professionally dressed, professionally made up, and air-brushed. And no store in Uniontown sells those cute dresses.
4. You will gather more information from and give more information to the other women (and their men and children) than you thought possible. Even when your plan is to read something you have been wanting to read for weeks.

A Bonus

1. Drinking in order to be sure you are prepared for the required bathroom visit before you leave for the appointment only assures your discomfort as the wait alone is long enough to fill your bladder.
   

Sunday Night

My house is always a mess Sunday night. Always. I don't know how to fix it, but after the weekend and the ways weekends free me from the regular routine, disaster is sometimes not to serious a word.

Then Monday comes and groceries and miscellaneous necessities find their way into the . . . kitchen and by Monday afternoon, I am

1. making dinner around a great multitude of stuff waiting to be put away, or
2. putting away the stuff and peacefully making dinner (wait that is in my dreams), or
3. putting away stuff and near tears asking to go out for dinner.

Does anyone else have this dilemma? If you don't, what is your secret?

What's on Your List?

Thursday Thirteen

What's on your to-do list today?

1. Dishes out of the dishwasher
2. Shower
3. Library for storytime
4. Target for milk
5. WAlk the Dog
6. Fold laundry
7. ANother load in
8. Dress Abigail
9. Make beds
10. Purge Abigail's toys
11. Organize Abigail's toys
12. Read my Bible
13. Take a nap (yes, I'm pregnant and Abigail was in our bed at 4:00 this morning, a nap belongs on the to-do list.)
    

Thankfuls

God blesses us, So the ends of the earth may fear Him. Psalm 67:7

How often I have read over this without catching it. May we shout His blessings so the ends of the earth may fear Him.

I'm so blessed:

Dog Obedience Classes
Cuddly Girls
Kicking Babies
More Time than I Need (even when I don't always feel like it)
A Forgiving Family
A Forgiving God

My Current Life

I won't do this often. My goal was to never do it, but if I want to post anything here today this is the only way it will get done.

Check out the catch-up list over at A Lettered Legacy today.