Saturday, October 3, 2009

Grrr! Grrr!

It is a gorgeous Saturday!

A Saturday that I would love to be spending outside in my flower garden preparing it for winter. I find myself, however, in a crabby mood stuck in my house making sure a punishment is being followed.

My kids are anything but cooperative on this gorgeous day. Brenna has spent most of her morning in her room upset (and being punished for not obeying!) because she witnessed the throwing away of dead flowers that our beloved neighbor, Ms. Donna, gave to her. The more I tried to explain to my 5 year old why the flowers had to go and that new ones would be growing in their place in the spring - the LOUDER she screamed and refused to listen. Ethan who is in and out of the house, chooses his "in" times to agitate his sister and make her mood, ever so pleasant!!

As I listened to her in her room (she has now been set "free") sending me a message of frustration (and exhaustion from what I feel a week of ALL DAY KINDERGARTEN can easily do to a child - Grrr! don't get me started...that's a whole other topic!) I could not help but think that her screaming and crying would make for a GREAT backdrop/sound effect for a spook house!

I decided to have some brief "mommy time" and get on the blog! I am so glad that I did! As I scrolled down through older posts I came upon one that has really calmed my frustrations, selfishness, and what I have felt as failures today (on more than one level).

I first want to apologize to YOU SARAH, and to the other moms that have written blogs or commented on what was written! It is 100% my loss. Wow. What amazing things I have missed for not taking a few minutes to read this blog!

Wendy G, I know you related to this blog too! I did. I know know that all of us feel this way on more than one occasion! Sarah I hope you don't mind the re-posting!


I make plans for myself and my family. Sometimes those plans are verbalized. Often they are unwritten subtleties, unconscious expectations.

These are my enemies-these silent objectives.

They taunt me when unmet. They use names like unworthy and inadequate. On occasion they whip out the really powerful adjectives to titles I already claim: bad mother, loser wife.

Unspoken goals have powerful voices.

All too often I agree. I add my own label: failure. I claim that name for myself, worrying that my husband is disappointed and angry and that my children are being scarred beyond recognition. I carry that weight with me day in and day out till I can no longer stand under the burden.

I cry.

I seek out my husband asking if I am the failure I believe I am. I don't believe his answer. I ask if he is disappointed in me, angry with my performance. I don't believe his answer. I question my mothering listing all the times I could have done things differently. I don't believe his answer.

I pray that this burden be lifted, that I be forgiven for being less that everything, that I be made a wife and a mother worthy of these dear ones in my family.

And I read:

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy comes from God.

2 Corinthians 3:5

And He speaks.

And I rest assured that in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of my weaknesses, in spite of my inadequacy, He will care for my family. For He loves them more than I ever could. He created them just as He created me. He knows that we together are but dust. In His love for all of us--husband, wife, children--He will make me adequate for this call to motherhood.

~This blog was written by Sarah and original posted in April of 2009.

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